Marriage Prospects for 'Transformers vs. GI Joe'

Fan Fiction Marriage Prospects for 'Transformers vs. GI Joe: War of the Worlds', by Sidewinder.

* COBRA COMMANDER *

Looks: He wears a black mask to cover the scars caused by a grenade during the Great War.  He exercises regularly, protecting his athletic body with armor, like what he wore as a trench raider during the War.

Smarts: Very good.  He's a skilled strategist and tactician, having proven his leadership skills as a battalion commander during the Great War; later, as Commander, Special Antiterrorist Group Cobra.  But his overconfidence makes him underestimate Destro's intelligence and Megatron's strength; this may lead to his downfall.

Personality: Brutal and ruthless, he uses his soldiers as chess pieces, calculating their value before saving or sacrificing them to accomplish his goals.  Confident and charismatic, he can build up or break down your self-confidence, remaking you into a loyal soldier/servant.  He's perceptive of human strengths and weaknesses, able to exploit both to his advantage, but he exaggerates his own strengths and understates his own weaknesses; he vents his rage upon people who say he's overconfident.

Combat Skills: Good.  He's an expert shot and a champion boxer, with the courage to use these skills in battle; the Matrix makes him a God of War.  But he's too dependent upon the Matrix; he's only human without it.

Special Abilities: He keeps the Matrix in an armored box fixed to his breastplate; its energy gives him superhuman speed and strength, and power over the Decepticons.  He can channel this energy into his pistol; his bullets can penetrate 57mm of steel armor.

Competition: He's destined to have absolute power, to have total control of the world!  He won't give up his destiny for your sake, so you might as well help him meet it.

In-Laws: Cobra, the army he leads, is formed of disciplined, well-trained and well-equipped soldiers; if Cobra Commander demands it, they'll give their lives to save you, or to destroy you.  The Decepticons, his allies, are giant robots that transform into tanks, fighter planes, and other weapons; make yourself useful to them, or they won't hesitate to sacrifice you to advance their goals.

Finances: Very good.  Cobra rules most of Western Europe, including Belgium, Denmark, France, Germany, the Netherlands, and Norway.  The nations' combined wealth rivals the entire US; as Cobra Commander, his wealth rivals the US Government!  But his wealth is being used to recruit, train, and equip Cobra stormtroopers; consider it an investment, to be collected when he rules the world.

Home Economics: He has a world to conquer and rule; he can't waste time cooking and cleaning.  Go order the servants to cook and clean for you.  Send them to the torture chamber if they refuse.

Sex: You must earn his trust before he'll take off his armor.  If he's willing to make himself vulnerable for you-- to temporarily deny himself the Matrix's protection-- he'll want to be in control.  You better let him be on top.

Overall: Good if you're talented and ambitious, like the Baroness.  Bad if you lack both qualities.

* SNAKE EYES *

Looks: He has reptilian features-- a snake's eyes, scales, sharp teeth and claws-- the side effects of Evilución, Doctor Mindbender's program to create super soldiers by recombining human and animal DNA.  He doesn't wear a mask, goggles, and gloves to look cool; he wears them to look human.

Smarts: Very good; they must be for him to become a master ninja.  But his emotions, especially his hunger for revenge, sometimes cloud his judgment.

Personality: He rarely expresses emotions, and never expresses fear of death.  The only things that rattle the ninja are threats against GI Joe-- Snake Eyes' new friends, for whom he'll fight to the death-- and Mindbender-- who he'll torture until the doctor begs, "Kill me!"

Combat Skills: He can fight and win against any man, woman, or beast he meets in battle; Evilución increased his strength, speed, and endurance to superhuman levels.  He can run and hide from any Transformer he meets in battle; superhuman strength, speed, and endurance cannot defeat Cybertron strength, speed, and endurance.

Special Abilities: He's a psychokinetic, most dangerous when he conducts this energy through his swords; he can project kenki to a range of 10 meters to cut a man in half.  He's telepathic, which partially compensates for the loss of his voice-- another side effect of Evilución.

Competition: Nightbird, Scarlett, and his hunger for revenge.  Nightbird, a female ninja, was in love with Snake Eyes; now she's in love with Storm Shadow, and won't be a problem.  Scarlett, the nurse who took care of Snake Eyes after he fled to the US, might be a problem.  Snake Eyes' hunger for revenge will definitely be a problem if you cannot, or will not, help him.

In-Laws: He served in the German Army and the Arashikage Ninja Clan, but left them after Mindbender transformed him into a mutant.  Now he's a fugitive, hunted by former friends and countrymen, e.g., Storm Shadow, his sword brother.  He won't take you home to meet his family; they want to kill him, and if they know he loves you, they'll kidnap you and use you as bait.

Finances: He's a US Army sergeant whose paycheck is fattened with jump pay and, frequently, with combat pay.  Alive, he can comfortably support a family.  Dead, the Servicemen's Group Life Insurance can comfortably support the family for a few years, enough time for you to find a job.

Home Economics: He has survival training, including food gathering, e.g., eating worms and pinecones.  In war, he can keep you fed if you can keep the food down.  In peace, you might have to cook for yourself, or dine out.

Sex: Ask Nightbird.

Overall: Good if you want a master ninja to serve and protect you.  Bad if you want a knight in shining armor to serve and protect you; Snake Eyes is not easy on the eyes.

* GRIMLOCK *

Looks: In Tyrannosaurus mode, a terrifying symbol of death by fire, by crushing, by tooth and claw.  In vehicle mode, a gray Achilles Mk IIC (M10 tank destroyer with a 17-pounder gun).

Smarts: Okay.  Although a recurring glitch in his communications module makes him talk like a 3-year-old human, it's dangerous to underestimate his intelligence.  He knows when to fight and what tactics he needs to win, and when not to fight, but his immediate action programs-- self-defense systems that guide him the way fear, anger, and hatred guide humans-- sometimes cloud his judgment.

Personality: A proud warrior who tolerates no insult, Grimlock will crush anything that threatens him, and kill anyone who doesn't give him the respect a warrior deserves.  He'll show you respect if you earn it-- preferably through battle-- and treat you like dirt if you don't, e.g., if he thinks you're a coward.  If you still want him, I advise you to work out, learn kickboxing, and go on a high protein diet-- hunt and kill for your meals.

Combat Skills: Very good.  He has a plasma cannon on back, two flamethrowers in his nose, a mouthful of metal-cutting teeth, and razor-sharp claws.  He's strong, fast, and smart enough to avoid a trap or ambush.

Special Abilities: His thundering roars/microwave pulses, which jam enemy sonar and radar, can scare the slag out of all but the bravest warriors.

Competition: He's addicted to the energon surge he feels in combat, like an adrenaline junkie.  If he must choose between a peaceful life with you, and a painful death in battle, he'll go to the battlefield in search of worthy opponents.  If you love him, join him in battle, but don't oppose him; a quick and painful death awaits those who do.

In-Laws: Optimus Prime, his current employer, will help you if he thinks you can raise soldier morale, or temper Grimlock's behavior in diplomatically sensitive situations.  The Autobots, his current comrades, will do everything in their power to help you tame the raging beast.  Treat them well; you'll need their help.

Finances: He has few resources with him, but a soldier like him can always find a general who'll pay any price for victory.  He can also demand more energon/money than other mercenaries; few people can say, "No," to a robot Tyrannosaurus with a mouthful of metal-cutting teeth.

Home Economics: He has a nuclear reactor and catalytic converters for extracting energy from fossil fuels.  He can also "eat" prey robots and vehicles; he has integral mechanisms for separating the fuel from most contaminants, e.g., an unfortunate Decepticon's corpse.  If you have integral mechanisms for decontaminating fuel, he can share his kill with you.  You don't?  Then go find energon for yourself!

Sex: Warlike.  When interfacing with your mainframe for the purpose of procreation, he'll focus on the files he needs to merge a copy of his core consciousness with yours, creating a new core consciousness that will be downloaded into a new robot's mainframe.  If you have firewalls to protect sensitive programs, he'll probe your defenses, or terminate the interface and back away while aiming his weapons at you; mercenaries are paranoid like that.  Wait, you want to know if he's good in bed?  I don't think dinosaurs-- or Dinobots-- use beds.

Overall: He's perfect for warriors who seek a glorious battle and/or an honorable death.  Good for generals who can tolerate his arrogance; you definitely want him beside you in battle.  Not good for those who expect him to be their bodyguard, staying close to them while a worthy opponent is far away.  Very bad for an opposing army's members; if this description applies to you, I advise you to run and hide.

* OPTIMUS PRIME *

Looks: In robot mode, a red and blue symbol of justice, strongly armored and armed with missiles, a laser rifle, and-- in case he runs out of ammo for his Cybertron weapons-- .50 and .30 caliber machine guns.  He wears a metal mask to cover the battle scars on his face.  In vehicle mode, a Grizzly III assault tank (T14, which resembles an M4 Sherman on steroids) with a T34 "Calliope" rocket launcher.

Smarts: Very good.  He's an excellent strategist and tactician, able to think on his feet/tracks; he's proven his leadership skills in a million battles.

Personality: He's as calm as the eye of the storm, even in the most challenging conditions.  He values the freedom of all sentient beings, and won't hesitate to give his life so others may live; but his compassion is tempered by the realization that, in war, sacrifices must be made for the greater good.  If one must be sacrificed to save a hundred... if the one he loves must be sacrificed, so be it.

Combat Skills: Very good.  He's and expert shot, and few Transformers can rival his skill with weapons and with hand-to-hand combat.  You don't want to be on the business end of his laser and/or missile launchers.  As a last resort, he can use the Matrix's power to destroy any evil, at the cost of his life.

Special Abilities: He bears the Matrix, the Cybertron artifact that, according to legend, will destroy the greatest evil and light the darkest hour.  Few beings share this ability, and fewer beings can resist the temptation to abuse it for personal gain.

Competition: The Autobot cause, to fight evil and protect the life and liberty of all sentient beings.  He'll support this as long as he lives; maybe even after, if legends regarding the Matrix's ability to resurrect the dead are true.  You can't beat his devotion to justice, so you might as well share it.  I advise you to learn marksmanship, hand-to-hand combat, and tactical skills.

In-Laws: Alpha Trion, his creator, is on Cybertron and unlikely to interfere with an attempt to woo his greatest creation.  The Autobots, the army Optimus leads, will help you as long as you help them, e.g., by making their leader feel loved.

Finances: The Autobots are stranded on Earth, and have few resources with them.  But if you can convince them to make their advanced technology available to the public, the royalties you'll collect on the patents will be enough to pay off the National Debt!

Home Economics: He has a nuclear reactor and catalytic converters for extracting energy from fossil fuels.  He's also programmed to build and maintain solar panels, windmills, and other means of using natural energy sources, so you won't be starved of energon.  Wait, you want to know if he can cook apple pie?  Transformers don't "eat" the kinds of "food" humans eat; they don't need to cook.

Sex: Straightforward and to the point.  When interfacing with your mainframe for the purpose of procreation, he'll only access the files he needs to create a new core consciousness.  He'll respect the firewalls you have to protect sensitive programs, and ask you for authorization to access these programs.  Wait, you want to know if he's a good lover?  Transformers don't reproduce that way!

Overall: Very good if you're a warrior, devoted to freedom and/or justice, who'll make any sacrifice for a common cause.  Okay if you want a big strong warrior to protect you and provide for your needs.  Very bad if neither description applies to you.

* STARSCREAM *

Looks: In robot mode, a samurai with cruel eyes, an arrogant smile, and two power sabers.  In vehicle mode, a red Messerschmitt Me-263 rocket fighter with silver thunderbolts painted on the wings.

Smarts: Good tactical and technical proficiency.  He can balance audacity and caution, winning battles and living to enjoy the fruits of victory.  He helped Destro design and build the Combaticons, demonstrating excellent engineering and construction skills.  However, his decision to trust Destro-- who later betrays him-- suggests poor judgment of character.

Personality: A proud warrior, he's happiest when fighting against a worthy opponent, preferably a fellow swordsman.  He's arrogant-- but justifiably so, considering his abilities-- and ruthless, willing to sacrifice almost anything to advance his goals.  He's cunning enough to hide the fact that he's scheming against Megatron, his leader.

Combat Skills: Very good.  He's an expert shot with his laser cannons and mini-missiles, but this skill is rarely demonstrated.  All Decepticons can shoot an enemy to pieces at a range of 10 km, but none can match his mastery of the sword.

Special Abilities: He's a psychokinetic, most dangerous when he conducts this energy through his swords; he can project kenki to a range of 600 meters to cut a main battle tank in half.

Competition: Himself.  Starscream wants to conquer and rule the galaxy.  Don't get in his way; you won't live to regret it.

In-Laws: Skywarp, his apprentice, is an opportunistic assassin-for-hire who'll help you if he thinks Starscream-- or himself-- will benefit from such a relationship.  Destro, his accomplice, is an opportunistic arms dealer who'll try to exploit your relationship with Starscream for his personal gain.  The Decepticons, his comrades, are like a wolf pack; they'll help you if they think you have vital skills they need to conquer and rule the galaxy, enslave you if they think you don't have vital skills, or kill you if they think you're in their way.  If you don't fit into the plans of any of these people, run and hide before you end up on the business end of countless weapons.

Finances: The Decepticons lost most of their resources when their ship crash-landed on Earth, and were initially dependent upon Cobra for their needs.  But they're slowly recovering their former power with spoils of war.  They'll help you, as an investment, if they think you'll help them; you better be ready to pay the high interest they'll demand.

Home Economics: He has a nuclear reactor and catalytic converters for extracting energy from fossil fuels.  He can also build and operate nuclear reactors, fossil fuel-powered generators, and other major energy sources, but he'll expect you to earn the energon you want, preferably by killing his enemies.  Wait, you want to know if he can prepare sushi?  Transformers don't "eat" the kinds of "food" humans eat!

Sex: Forceful and demanding.  When interfacing with your mainframe for the purpose of procreation, he'll access all of your files in search of useful data, including info he can use to blackmail you.  If you have firewalls to protect sensitive programs, he'll hack them to pieces.  Wait, you want to know if he's compensating?  Transformers don't reproduce that way; they don't have sex organs!

Overall: Very good if you're a ruthless warlord who's willing to share power with a justifiably arrogant Transformer in exchange for his help-- or if you're a genius whose skills can help Starscream conquer and rule the galaxy, and who'll do so in exchange for his protection.  Very bad if neither description applies to you.