Bad Anime Episode 1: Heroes A Go-Go

The portrait of a 14-year-old boy, hand-drawn and computer-colored, moved.  The boy's hands extended from the computer monitor and gripped the frame to pull him out of the monitor.

A Toon, child of dreams, was being brought to life by the animator who drew him.

The boy's head emerged from the monitor.  His hands rested on the animator's desk as his chest emerged from the monitor resting upon the desk.  Then his hands slipped.

"Eh?"  The boy fell, face-first onto the floor, kicking over the monitor as he did so.  "Ite!"

Another Toon, a 21-year-old man of Japanese-American descent, approached the boy and offered his hand.  The boy gratefully took it, and was pulled to his feet.  "You okay?"

"Yes," the boy answered.  "Thank you..."

"Johnny Tsurugi, the big brother."  The 188-centimeter-tall man had black hair and gray eyes, and his intense stare made his eyes resemble gun muzzles.  His palms had stigmata, implanted light-emitting diodes (LEDs) that let him interface with electronic systems.  The man wore a black flight suit, which was skin-tight to let the suit's sensors monitor his health.  Armor protected his shoulders, torso, and groin.  His left hand cradled a helmet with a skull printed on the visor.  Two holsters were strapped to his thighs.

"I'm Yamato Shiro... the hero."  The boy had black hair and blue eyes.  His palms also had stigmata.  He wore a white shirt, a blue vest with his school crest over his heart, and blue pants.

Johnny translated Shiro's name.  "Japanese Soldier-- a good name."

An executive from XYZ Animation, the company that created the Toons, approached the boy.  "Good morning, Shiro!"  He put his hand on the boy's shoulder.  "Let me introduce your costars.  You've already met the big brother."  He pushed Shiro towards a group of people-- Toons.

The boy faced a 19-year-old woman of German-Chinese descent.  Red ribbons braided her black hair around the sides of her head, making it seem as if she wore two nautilus shells; she had golden eyes.  The woman wore a qipao, one-piece dress popular in Qing Dynasty China, with a floral motif.  A jian, Chinese double-edged sword, was slung across her back.  "This is Aimei Skorzeny, the tsundere girl," one who is initially aloof, morose, and critical of the hero, but later reveals her emotional vulnerabilities and becomes affectionate.

"Good morning," Shiro greeted.

"Grrrr."  Aimei's fierce expression forced the boy to back away.

The executive laughed.  "Don't worry.  She's tsuntsun," aloof, morose, and critical, "now, but she'll be nice to you once she becomes deredere," emotionally vulnerable and affectionate.  He pushed Shiro towards a 30-year-old with red hair and green eyes, wearing a British Army dress uniform with a miniskirt.  "This is Linda Love, the big sister."

"Such a cute little boy!"  Linda embraced Shiro, pressing his face against her large breasts.

"Oomph!"

"Let him go, Linda," the executive ordered.

"Awwww."  But the redhead complied, letting the boy breathe.

The executive pushed Shiro towards two 18-year-old women with red eyes.  One had silver hair, and wore a French maid uniform in the Gothic Lolita fashion.  One had golden hair, and wore a flight suit with the zipper pulled down to reveal her breast cleavage.  "These are Sugar and Spice, the sexaroids," sexy androids.

"Good morning, Master Shiro," Sugar, the silver-haired sexaroid, coldly greeted.  A katana, Japanese long sword, was slung across her back.

"Nice to meet you, Master Shiro," Spice, the golden-haired sexaroid, warmly greeted.

The executive pushed the boy towards a 49-year-old man wearing the black uniform of the fictional Japanese Strategic Self-Defense Force (JSSDF).  "And this is Yamato Isamu, your father, for whom you suffer from Oedipus complex," a son regarding the father as an adversary, a competitor for the mother's love.

"Good morning, Father."  Isamu ignored Shiro, making the boy want to cry.

Then the executive pushed the boy towards a door.  "Now let's go meet the sponsors."

***

BAD ANIME EPISODE 1: HEROES A GO-GO

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), originally as "Enter the Heroes" in 2007, last revised 2014.

***

The Toons followed the executive to a conference room, where several men and women-- humans-- waited.

A young man with brown hair and blue eyes, wearing a US Army dress uniform, was arguing with a businessman.  "I don't care what you say about GLOCK perfection, I'm not trading in my Springfield Armory 1911-A1 Operator for a piece-of-shit plastic pistol!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce the stars of XYZ Animation's newest project, 'Frozen Ragnarök'," the executive stated.

"Chief Warrant Officer Johnny Tsurugi, US Army."

"Aimei Skorzeny.  Eh, what am I doing here?"

"Lieutenant Colonel Linda Love, British Army.  XO," executive officer, "of the UN PPF," Permanent Peacekeeping Forces.

"General Yamato Isamu, Japanese Strategic Self-Defense Force.  Commander of the United Nations Permanent Peacekeeping Forces."

"Sugar.  Sexaroid copilot for ULTRA Zero."

"Spice.  Sexaroid copilot for ULTRA One."

"Go on, Shiro," the executive ordered.

The boy nervously fidgeted.  "I'm Yamato Shiro... the hero."  He heard the men and women laugh.  "Really!"

The men and women examined the Toons.  "Where's the black guy?"

"The who?" the executive asked.

"The black guy or gal," the soldier repeated.  "You know there are Black Americans living in the US, many of whom are soldiers, don't you?  They got to be represented, or they'll take offense, and we'll need a refund," for the millions of dollars the US Army invested in the anime.

"Sergeant Zwolak is right," said a businessman.  "Ford Motor Company cannot support a work that promotes racial discrimination."

"And the black guy must be one of the main characters, or he'll be a token black guy, Black Americans will take offense, and we'll be back at square one."

The executive began to sweat.  "The black guy is talking to the animators.  I'll get him right away."  He exited the room.

The soldier approached Johnny.  "So you're the US Army's latest recruitment tool, aye?"  He extended his hand.  "I'm Stephen A. Zwolak, the military advisor."

Johnny noted the insignia on the soldier's uniform-- Special Forces, Airborne, the rank of staff sergeant, awarded the Silver Star and the Combat Infantryman Badge-- as they shook hands.  "It's an honor, Sergeant."

"Call me Steve.  Mind if I call you Johnny?" the military advisor asked.

"No, Steve."

One of the businessmen approached Johnny.  "You are the soldier, ja?  I represent GLOCK," an arms manufacturer that invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in the anime.  He opened a briefcase to reveal two semiautomatic pistols, and three flashlights to mount under the gun barrels.  "Presenting the GLOCK 20SF in 10-millimeter Auto; the GLOCK 21SF in .45 Auto; the GLOCK Tactical Lights GTL 11, GTL 22, and GTL 52.  Choose your weapon, and use it well."

"Thank you, Sir."  Johnny picked up and inspected each pistol, before choosing the powerful GLOCK 20SF.  He mounted the GTL 52 on the weapon, and then holstered it.

*

Black hands extended from the computer monitor and gripped the frame.  An Afro emerged from the monitor.  "Ha!"  A 45-year-old black man jumped out of the monitor, performed a combat roll, and jumped to his feet.

"Hurry," the executive ordered.

The black man wore a US Army dress uniform.  He dutifully followed the executive to the conference room.  "Lieutenant General Abraham Black-- Abe to my friends-- US Army.  CO," commanding officer, "of the UN..."  Abe turned to the executive.  "Does it really share an acronym with the Parti Populaire Français?"

The businessmen were confused.  "The what?"

"A French fascist party that collaborated with the Nazis during World War II.  Hell, they even helped the Gestapo," Nazi Germany's Secret State Police, "round up Jews for deportation to concentration camps," Abe stated.

'Damn it!'  "As commander, you may choose a name that is more appropriate," the executive growled.

"You are mistaken.  I am commander of the Permanent Peacekeeping Forces," Isamu corrected.

Abe smiled.  "Not anymore."

"General Black is correct," the executive stated.  "We cannot risk offending Black Americans."

"But..."

"Don't worry; you still have an important role in 'Frozen Ragnarök'," the executive assured.

"But..."

"General Yamato, you may leave now."

Isamu glared at Abe.  "This is not over."  He exited the room.

***

The executive and one of the businessmen lead the Toons-- minus Isamu-- to a hangar, where several cars were parked around two robots with cockpit hatches opened on their chests.  Shiro now wore a blue flight suit.

"Shiro, Johnny, your mission is to pilot the Urban Locale Tactical Robotic Armors, or ULTRAs, in support of UN peacekeeping missions," the executive stated.

"Does it have a rear escape hatch with explosive bolts?" Johnny asked.

"No."

"Then modify the design.  Put in a rear escape hatch with explosive bolts.  Ideally, they should be triggered by an ejection seat or escape pod."

The executive frowned.  "You're just a Toon!  You have no right to demand changes to the ULTRAs' designs!"

Johnny put a hand on his holster.  "I refuse to pilot a deathtrap from which I cannot escape."

"I assure you, an ULTRA cockpit is the safest place you can be."  The executive turned to the boy.  "Shiro, Sugar, board ULTRA Zero."

The boy's mouth opened.  "But..."

"Do it."

The boy's head bowed in resignation.  "Yes, Sir."  He turned to the robots.  "Which one is ULTRA Zero?"

"The lavender one," Sugar stated.

"The pink one?"  The 23.7-meter-tall robot resembled an armored samurai with short wings on the back.

"It's lavender, a light shade of purple-- not pink," the silver-haired sexaroid corrected.

Shiro climbed a ladder beside ULTRA Zero, entered the cockpit, sat in the front seat, and fastened the safety belts.  Sugar sat down behind him, plugged a cable into the back of her neck to interface with the main computer, and closed the hatch.  "What am I supposed to do now?" the boy asked.

"Press START, the big red button."

"START...  Here it is."  Shiro pressed the button to start the robot's zero-point energy generator, which began to hum.  Data filled three multifunction displays (MFDs) as the main computer was turned on.  Liquid crystal displays (LCDs), which covered the interior of the cockpit, began to display images taken by cameras installed at various points on the robot's torso.

"The joysticks control the arms.  The pedals control the legs."

"Arms," Shiro put his right hand on the joystick on his right side, and his left hand on a bar on his left side, overlooking the joystick in the center of the console, "and legs," he put his feet on the pedals.

"Your left hand is on the," Sugar watched Shiro push the bar, which ignited the leg-mounted turbojet-rocket hybrid engines, launching the ceiling towards the cockpit, "throttle."  ULTRA Zero's head crashed into the ceiling, punching a hole in it, before the robot fell on its chest, shaking the parked cars.

An alarm was triggered; red lights flashed in the cockpit.  Sugar pushed the joysticks, trying to make ULTRA Zero perform a pushup so she could open the hatch.  The robot didn't move.  The silver-haired sexaroid turned on the loudspeaker to say, "We have lost main power.  ULTRA Zero is now immobile.  We require assistance to exit the robot."

"Help!" Shiro cried.

The executive turned to Johnny.  "Mister Tsurugi..."

"Get a forklift.  I refuse to pilot that deathtrap," Johnny repeated.

"I'll help them."  Spice turned to ULTRA One, but Johnny held his arm in front of her.

"If you want to help, get a forklift.  Don't pilot that deathtrap."

"Yes, Master Johnny."

"Call me Mister Tsurugi, okay?"

"Okay, Mister Tsurugi."

The executive sighed.  "I'll get a forklift."  He exited the hangar.

The businessman shrugged.  "When you're not on a mission, you're to drive Fords and Lincolns."  He opened a briefcase to reveal six sets of car keys.  'So GM,' General Motors, 'thinks they can win over future customers by paying a studio to have giant robots transform into their cars?  We'll show them.'

Johnny pointed at a plug-in hybrid electric vehicle (PHEV) variant of the Ford F-150 pickup truck.  "I'll take the truck."  The businessman handed him the keys.

Abe extended his hand.  "I want the luxury car," a Lincoln MKS.  The businessman handed him the keys, and raised another set.

"Who wants to drive a Ford GT?" supercar.

Linda raised her hand and jumped, making her breasts bounce up and down.  "Me!  Me!"  The businessman handed her the keys.

"The Shelby GT500?" sports car.

"I do," Spice answered.

The businessman handed two sets of keys to the golden-haired sexaroid.  "Give your sister the keys to the Fusion Hybrid," four-door sedan.

"What about me?" Aimei asked.

"You were added to the cast at the last minute.  I'm sorry, we don't have a car for you," the executive saw Aimei glare, and began to sweat, "yet."

*

"I think you fall in love with Shiro, but you're afraid to express your love because you're cursed to have the one you love, fall in battle."

Aimei glared at the character designer.  "You mean I have no meaningful role in 'Frozen Ragnarök'?"

The character designer began to sweat.  "Well, I designed you because the director said we needed more moe," turn-on, "characters.  That's meaningful, right?"

"Then I must be the one who defines my role."

"But you're not the scriptwriter."

Aimei drew her sword and pointed it at the character designer's throat.  "I will define my role, and you will help me."

The character designer's eyes crossed to stare at the sword point.  "Okay."

*

Isamu glared at the scriptwriter.  "I no longer have a meaningful role?"

"You will have a meaningful role.  I just need time to think it up," the scriptwriter stated.

"But I am the hero's father."

"The Americans ordered me to include the black guy, or XYZ Animation would have to refund their money.  I can't defy them."

"Damn."  Isamu heard the door open, and turned his head.  "We're busy."

"I'm here to define my role," Aimei stated.

"You're the tsundere girl.  You're supposed to be mean to the hero, before you fall in love with him," the scriptwriter stated.

"You also cursed me to have the ones I love, fall in battle."

"For dramatic purposes."

"My heart will not be exploited for pointless drama.  Change the curse to berserk rage."

"What?!"

"I want to be a berserker," Aimei stated.

"Why?!"

"So I can kick ass."

"But..."

Aimei drew her sword and pointed it at the scriptwriter's throat.  "Change the curse to berserk rage."

The scriptwriter's eyes crossed to stare at the sword point.  "Okay."

'An effective tactic,' Isamu thought.

*

Shiro and Sugar were freed 90 minutes later.  Shiro, his bladder threatening to burst, rushed to the restroom.  "Ahhhh!"  He washed his hands and exited the restroom to see Aimei march down the hallway.

The tsundere girl's now wore her hair in a simple bun.  She wore a black sports bra, German Army uniform trousers, and steel-toe boots.  Sappenpanzer, trench armor the German Army issued in World War I, protected the front of her body.

"Good morning..."  Shiro felt Aimei put her hand on his chest and push him backwards.  The boy looked down to see the qipao in his hands.  "But I'm a boy!"

"It's for Sugar, not you; it matches the ULTRA she copilots."  Then Aimei marched away.

Shiro held the qipao in front of him, turned to a window, and stared at his reflection.  "It looks so pretty."  The boy blushed.  "I shouldn't..."

***

The executive led the Toons-- minus Aimei-- back to the hangar.

"We redesigned the ULTRAs.  They now have ejection seats and, in case the robot falls on its back, front escape hatches.  Are you satisfied, Mister Tsurugi?"

The Toon in question examined the hatch on ULTRA One's abdomen.  The 25.5-meter-tall robot was black, covered with radar-absorbing material, and resembled a medieval knight with swept wings on the back.

Johnny, demonstrating superhuman strength, jumped onto ULTRA One's shoulder.  He looked down the hatch on the back of the robot's neck, climbed into the cockpit, and examined the ejection seats there.  "The ULTRAs transform, don't they?"

"Yes," the executive answered.

"Tell me how to do it.  I need to make sure the hatches aren't covered up when ULTRA One transforms."

Spice jumped onto the robot's shoulder.  "Allow me."  She sat down behind him, and pushed the emergency start button.  "The transformation switch is on the throttle."

Johnny found the switch set to ASSAULT MODE, the humanoid robot, and thumbed it to ATTACK MODE.  ULTRA One's arms slid down to touch the floor, becoming legs as toes unfolded from the back of the hands-turned-feet.  The legs were lifted off the floor, and joined together to become a tail as fins unfolded from the sides.  Claws extended from where the robot's shoulders were.  The neck extended, and the mouth-- with teeth designed to crush concrete fortifications-- opened.

"Roarrrr!"  The executive and the other Toons covered their ears.

"Impressive," Isamu exclaimed.  The ULTRA One now resembled a Carnotaurus, a carnivorous dinosaur-- a form optimized for close air support (CAS) missions.

Johnny stood up to look out of the still open hatch.  Then he opened the front escape hatch, which triggered an alarm.  "Good."  He turned to Spice.  "Make sure the maintenance crew replaces the explosive bolts."

"Maintenance crew?"

"The people who perform maintenance on the ULTRAs."

"We don't have those people," the golden-haired sexaroid stated.

Johnny's head bowed in frustration.  "Sigh."

*

Shiro knocked on the studio door, heard someone say, "Come in," and complied.  "Good morning, Mister Character Designer, Mister Scriptwriter."

"Good morning, Shiro.  We have good news and bad news," the scriptwriter stated.

The boy nervously fidgeted.  "Bad news?"

"You didn't make much of an impression on the investors," the character designer stated.

"They thought Johnny was the hero," the scriptwriter added.

"The good news is we have an idea that will help you make a better impression."  The character designer turned a computer monitor to Shiro.

The boy stared at the monitor, which showed a 14-year-old girl.  Then Shiro felt his body change.  His chest felt swollen, and he looked down to see static covering his body.  "Ehhhh?!"  The pitch of his voice became higher.  He felt the wind tickle his legs as his pants became a skirt.  Then the static cleared away to reveal his new body, which was identical to the girl's.  "Mister Character Designer..."

The man moved behind the boy-turned-girl, and used two pink ribbons to tie her hair into two pigtails.  "Finished."

"She looks so cute!" the scriptwriter exclaimed.  "Let's call her Yamato Nadeshiko," after the Japanese ideal of a meek woman who'd make a good housewife.

"But..."

The executive entered the studio.  "Are you done?"  He stared at Shiro-turned-Nadeshiko.  "Excellent!"  The executive took the girl's hand.  "It's time to introduce you to the investors.  Hopefully, you'll make a better impression this time."

*

Steve led Johnny, Linda, and the sexaroids to the dojo, a room for practicing martial arts.  "I'm gonna kick your ass," the military advisor boasted.

"Impossible.  My strength, speed, and endurance are limited by human imagination, not the human body; I can hit harder, faster, and for a longer time than you," Johnny stated.

Steve smiled.  "I'm gonna..."

Nadeshiko opened the door and peeked in.  "Excuse me..."

"Hi, Shiro!"  Linda embraced the girl, felt something different, and held her at arm's length.  "Why are you dressed up like a girl?"

"The character designer and the scriptwriter, they changed me into a girl... changed my name to Nadeshiko... thought I would make a better impression on the investors..."  The girl began to cry.  "I don't know what to do!"

"There, there."  Linda embraced Nadeshiko again.

Steve stared at Johnny, who asked, "What?"

"I'm trying to picture you as a girl," the military advisor answered.

The door opened again.

"Good afternoon, Aimei," Johnny greeted.

The tsundere girl wore a Stahlhelm, a steel helmet the German Army issued in World War I, with virtual reality (VR) visor attached to two bolts on the front of the helmet.  "My name is now Aizhan," Loves Battle.

Sugar noticed the weapon on Aizhan's back.  "A chainsaw?"

Aizhan unhooked a latch, splitting the scabbard in half so she could draw the weapon.  "It is a chainsword, a warrior's weapon, not a lumberjack's tool."  Her thumb pressed a switch as her fingers squeezed the throttle; an atomic battery powered an electric motor, which shrieked as it drove the cutting chain around a guide bar with a length equal to Aizhan's height.  "Its name is Raven's Kiss, a promise that my enemies will receive them."

"Kissed by ravens... you mean, torn apart by ravens?" Steve asked.

The tsundere girl smiled at the military advisor.  "Yes."

"A good name."  The silver-haired sexaroid drew her sword.  "Mine is named Sakai Saburo," after a fighter pilot who served in World War II.

Aizhan turned to Sugar.  "Do you wish to spar?"

The silver-haired sexaroid sheathed Sakai Saburo.  "With shinai," bamboo swords, "only."

Aizhan sheathed Raven's Kiss.  "Fine."  She lowered the visor to protect her eyes as her opponent put on bogu, protective gear.  The two approached the sword rack and each took a shinai, before facing each other.  "Yaaaa!"  The tsundere girl lunged at the silver-haired sexaroid.  Sugar parried Aizhan's thrust; the sound of their shinai meeting was like thunder.  The tsundere girl and the silver-haired sexaroid's shinai became blurs as they slashed, blocked, thrust, parried, and slashed again.

"Badass!" Steve exclaimed.

Crack!  Aizhan broke Sugar's shinai, sending the tip flying towards the audience.

Steve ducked.  "Yikes!"  He didn't hear the broken tip hit the wall, and looked up; Johnny had caught the tip, demonstrating superhuman reflexes.

Sugar threw her broken shinai at Aizhan, who blocked the missile; the silver-haired sexaroid used the distraction to reach for the tsundere girl's throat.

Aizhan caught Sugar's hand.  She began to transform into a werewolf-- black fur covered her body, her jaws lengthened as sharp teeth filled her mouth, her fingernails became claws, a tail appeared, and her legs bent like those of a rearing wolf.  "Ah-wooooo!"  She threw the silver-haired sexaroid through a wall.

Steve stared at the hole in the wall, and then the werewolf.  "Whoa!"

Sugar drew Sakai Saburo as she reentered the dojo.  "Round two."

Nadeshiko covered her ears.  "Please stop fighting!"  Tears flowed down her cheeks.

Sugar sheathed Sakai Saburo.  "Yes, Mistress Nadeshiko."  She turned to Aizhan.  "We will determine who is stronger at a later time."

The tsundere girl transformed back to human form.  "Fine."

Johnny turned to Steve.  "Do you still believe you can kick my ass?"

The military advisor thought for a moment.  "I can, with the right weapons."

"Good answer."

***

To be continued...

Author's notes are below.

***

I revised the story after posting it on the Star Destroyer Discussion Forums (bbs.stardestroyer.net/index.ph…).  When I began writing, one of my goals was to have the main characters change from being mere stereotypes, to... well, you saw for yourself.  Shiro was a stereotypical bishonen, a beautiful young man and a confused bisexual, as implied by an alternate scene:

[Start]

"Good morning..."  Shiro felt Aimei put her hand on his chest and push him backwards.  The boy looked down to see the qipao in his hands.

"Wear this.  It looks good on you."

"But I'm a boy!" Shiro protested.  Aimei ignored him as she marched away.

Shiro held the qipao in front of him, turned to a window, and stared at his reflection.  "It makes me look pretty."  The boy blushed.  "I shouldn't..."

[End]

Sergeant Zwolak is a real person, a friend I met in the Army.

Sugar originally described ULTRA Zero as "light red," a reference to the pink Spartan in 'Red vs. Blue' (roosterteeth.com/archive/?sid=… ).

The reason I changed the UN military's name, was because PPF would be pronounced "Pee-pee Eff," pee-pee being slang for penis or urinating.  'Bad Anime' is not a pornographic or scatological story; an organization named "Penis Force" or "Peeing Force" is inappropriate.